THE BALLAD OF SALMAN RUSHDIE

Music & Lyrics: John Forster

Salman Rushdie writes a novel.
The Ayatollah gets upset.
"Post the head of Salman Rushdie
From the highest minaret."
But Salman says, "I am a writer.
I'll write anything I want."

Susan Sontag gets a phonecall.
"Salman's been condemned to die!"
She organizes all the writers.
Howls of protest. What a hue and cry!
Sontag says, "We are Salman."
Updike says, "We are Salman."
Styron says, "We are Salman."
Publicly they're saying,
"Salman sure has guts!"
Privately they're thinking,
"Salman must be nuts!

"Because you don't bash a beehive
With a baseball bat.
And you don't pluck the nose hairs
Of a crazy man.
You don't kick a savage bull
In the testicle
Unless you want to see the Shiite hit the fan."

Viking Penguin gets a bomb threat.
Do they bail out or persist?
They get the courage to continue
From the Times Bestseller list.
Viking says, "Free speech!"
Sontag says, "We are Salman."
Salman says, "I am a writer.
I'll write anything I want!"

The Ayatollah kicks the bucket.
This should lighten Salman's load.
Then the new guy, Rafsanjani,
Tells the world they're still PO'ed.
Rafi says, "Death to Salman."
Viking says, "Free speech!"
Sontag says, "We are Salman."
Updike says, "We are Salman."
Mailer says, "I am Salman."
Mamet says, "Oh, fuck you, Norman!"
Bellow says, Boys, boys..."

All the famous writers, they're so busy fighting.
Salman is the only writer who is writing.
"Salman's writing?? What's he writing?
How can he be writing? I thought he was depressed."

Salman's agent, Andrew Wylie,
Gets a typescript at his pad.
This one's so god-damned offensive
Even Unitarians are mad.
But Wylie says, [Music: "We're in the money"]
Viking says, "Free speech!"
Sontag says, "We're still Salman."

Up in Stockholm, Salman's new one
Makes the short list for The Prize.
Now he's writing for The Ages.
What's a few years living in disguise?
Sweden says, "Hyundar gewickelburg."
(That means "Brilliant!")
Wylie says, "Seven figures."
Viking says, "(Gulp) Gotta pay it."
Sontag says, "Seven figures! Fuck you, Salman!"
Salman says, "I am a writer and I'll show you how it's done--

"You simply bash the beehive
With a baseball bat.
Then you pluck the nose hairs
Of the crazy man.
Then you kick the savage bull
In the testicle.
Anything to make the Shiite
Hit the fan."

© 1988 Limousine Music Co. (ASCAP)